Martians Look at Christmas

Making good use of videos taken during his exploratory mission to Earth, the young Martian diplomat Zadoc attempted to explain to Alpha, his superior, the behavior he had observed among Earth residents during many months of study on that distant planet.

"Look at them! They open their mouths and insert their food. Then they have to chew it, swallow it and go through an intensive process of digestion. Revolting! Why can't they simply pour their daily emulsion into their feeding tubes? It's far more polite. They also pour fluids into glasses from bottles before drinking. Some of them change their speech and gait after drinking from certain bottles. Why don't they simply dial a better mood from their wristband? I can barely stand to watch them, they are so primitive." the young Martian Zadoc attempted to explain to his superior the behavior he had picked up from his time on Earth.

Alpha, an older woman considered the Dean of the Martian Diplomats, was glued to the screen in morbid fascination.

"Look, I know you're angling for promotion," she told Zadoc, "but these pictures are too gross. Do you think anyone will believe them?"

But Zadoc insisted that the camera embedded in his fingernail didn't lie. And his findings were backed by the months of personal interaction with Earth people.
 
"I made contact with the humans of Earth. They called me ET and gave me colored orbs. I repaired many of their primitive electronic devices called Televisions when I lived on their property. I learned much of their language and even built a transmitter for them. Many tried to look like me during Halloween, a holiday of sharing. They dressed up in costumes with our faces for their masks. They wore gloves which made their hands resemble ours. They went from house to house saying, 'Trick or Treat.' People gave them sugary snacks by the handful. It is a heartwarming ritual of respect for us, and love for each other." Zadoc had Alpha's full attention.

"We always welcome additional knowledge of the creatures of our galaxy," Alpha commented. "I see you sent many transmissions. But the videos you showed were disturbing at best."

"It gets worse, Alpha. Let me rewind back a few weeks. You won't believe it". Zadoc felt his hopes for promotion rise as he scrolled back a month.
"Here they are at another 'meal', at the table together. The females are forced to do all the food shopping, preparation, table setting, serving and even clean up. Yet they refer to it as Thanksgiving."

Alpha commented "The females are just as dumb as the males, then."
"Yes", agreed Z 25, "an inferior race in both genders".

Alpha peered at the screen. "What are they doing now? I don't see any movement."

"After the meal, the men sleep in front of their primitive electronic devices, also called TV's, watching gladiators try to kill each other. A practice that lowers their intelligence over time."

 "We observed the behavior of humans at Christmas, a time of hysteria and horror," Alpha stated. "We decided NOT to ask them to join the Galactic Alliance based on their behavior."
"Christmas Hysteria begins when the leaves turn colors and fall to the ground. For months, gullible humans, especially children, are subjected to a media blitz. Magazines, TV ads, newspapers and all forms of communication convince then they must have certain items. Hysterical with greed, they demand toys and other material items. I remember one particularly ugly item, the Cabbage Patch Kid. This doll had a repellent face and distorted body. Suddenly, people had to have this doll. People wasted hours in line trying to find them. Some humans tore stores apart trying to find them. Others stole dolls out of the hands of children carrying them to church. Appalling!"

"Here's another tape. They rush into crowded stores, spending more money than they have and trying to gratify everyone's superficial whim." Zadoc showed tapes of people doing without medicine and medical care to supply others with items their TV's told them they needed. The recipients were not grateful, because items could not satisfy their cravings for happiness. Others could not even afford food or clothing and wept for their lack. Some even died for lack of basic necessities. Sometimes they invoked a myth about giving, involving a child born in a stable. Often, however, this was ignored in their greed." Zadoc saw Alpha was impressed.

"These creatures are the lowest of the low", she exclaimed. "Look how some have more than they will ever use, and others die for lack of basic necessities! Some take drugs, or wind up in mental institutions. They handle their social relations so poorly, no wonder we turned to the Dolphins". Zadoc was well aware that Alpha loved the dolphins, so he chose his words carefully.

"Alpha", he began, I know the dolphins are far more advanced socially than these humans. They speak only one language, which all understand. They share and care. We love them and have opened channels of communication with them. Our shared technology assures them of a prosperous future. Nonetheless, I believe it is in our best interests to open up communication with a second race on Earth, and the humans could benefit from our help, I, myself, would be happy to volunteer…"

"Is that your game, you miserable backstabber? I, and I alone, am the sole ambassador to Earth. I'm not sharing any of that glory!" Alpha was shrieking furiously.

"Alpha please", Zadoc tried to explain. "I thought I acted in everyone's best interests. What if something goes wrong? I have lived among the humans. They disgust us, true, but they are powerful. See how they have polluted the oceans, jeopardizing our beloved dolphins. Who can we contact if we are forced to evacuate the dolphins?"

"Nothing can go wrong!" Alpha thundered. "We have the best technology, and we can predict better than anyone in the galaxy! Get these dumb ideas out of your head. Why are you sniveling?"

"It took me almost a year of work to get this far. I'm so discouraged, I've turned my mood wristlet to maximum and I'm still sad," Zadoc was on the verge of tears.

"Here, take mine," Alpha offered. "I charged it fully yesterday".

"But you never use your wristlet. How did you know you would need a full charge?" asked Zadoc as he accepted the gift.

"The dolphins warned me I would need it to watch the humans" Alpha replied.