On the Appointing of a New Monarch in the Animal Kingdom
By: Allen Ashley
Whereas it has pleased Almighty Mother Nature to call the return to her loving bosom our Queen Bee of high renown, we hereby solemnly swear that the panthera leo is now our true and rightful king and shall have the regnal name Lion Rex.
The dawn chorus proclaims this changing of the guard with the thrush and the blackbird prominent among the voices united in tongue, beak and heart. There are those who whisper in the undergrowth that Lion is not fit for the role, he has waited too long in the wings of succession, look how his mane’s gone grey and ragged, his step less sure and his gaze shorter. But the new king’s supporters speak of his commitment to environmental issues, his highlighting of the deteriorating state of the once green-golden savannah. Did you know, they ask, that he has even dabbled with veganism, which may be the future for everyone on Earth, including humans?
The mention of the all-powerful mortal enemy brings a new layer of pain atop the universal grief. We have lately lost more arrow frogs and giant tortoises; the snow leopard will be next. During this recent battle against the quasi-living virus, only dogs and cats have thrived and that’s because of their subservience. Cows, pigs, sheep and hens have long filled the humans’ stomachs but look, even bats and monkeys are now on their menu.
In the meantime, we have a chance to pay our respects. The Queen will lie in state on a bed of honeysuckle, lilies and sunflower petals. She will be guarded by a solitary bear wearing a hat and mismatched coat.
The new king will meet and greet his subjects and well-wishers in the forests, deserts, mountains, fenced nature reserves and gardens. Leo panthera Rex will be accompanied by his beloved consort who is, despite persistent woodland rumour perpetrated by rats and termites, a true lioness and not a tatty hyena.
For the late Queen’s funeral procession, all the animals will wear their best outfits. The dragonfly has polished her wings to sparkling iridescence and Grevy’s zebra has brushed his stripes to military neatness. Even the sheep and the hippo have wiped some of the shit off their tails.
Our late Queen’s tenure is now viewed through rose-tinted eyes. The lion promises to bring stability, a seamless changeover to every nest, den and paddock.
All hail Lion Rex, long to reign over us, although most rightly fear he may be the last of his kind.
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