So This is Christmas
By: Kate MacDonald-Dunbar
My eyes are open, but everything is black. Ouch, I shouldn’t have tried to sit up. Was that wood I just bounced my head off? Okay, pause and take stock. Check pockets: That feels like mints, handy. Comb, lip-gloss, credit card. Ah, I have my phone! Right, turn on the flashlight.
No, no! It’s a coffin! I’m in a coffin. All my nightmares rolled into one. Buried alive, struggling for breath. I can’t die like this. I will not die like this. Okay, don’t faint, think.
I dial my boyfriend Brad’s number. He answers.
“Yes?”
“Brad, help me, I’m...”
“I know where you are, Jo. I put you there. Did you think I would let you leave me, at Christmas?”
“Brad, it’s getting harder to breathe! How long have I been here? How could you put me in a coffin, After all, you said it, it's Christmas? Please, get me out!”
“Nothing doing. No one will find you, I made sure of that.”
“You total dick! You are so going to regret this.”
I cut him off, thankful that he had proved he was as stupid as I always thought: He'd left me my phone. I dial 911. As soon as I hear the answering voice, I scream, “Help! I’m buried in a coffin. I don’t know where.”
“Hold on Ma’am…”
“Hold on? Hold on? Did you hear me? I am in a coffin. Buried alive. Help me!”
“Yes Ma’am, I heard you. I will need some details.”
“Here is a detail: I am suffocating, you halfwit.”
“There is no need to be rude Ma’am. I can’t help if you don’t cooperate.”
“Let me explain the situation more succinctly: I am dying slowly using up the rest of the available air giving details to a uniform-wearing moron two days before Christmas.”
“Can I have your name, Ma’am?”
“How about ‘Ms. The Deceased’?’
“Not helpful. Your name?”
“For the love of… Okay, Jo Kerr; date of birth 12th of June 1995, of 125 Sunderland Avenue, currently in a coffin. Anything else?’
“How did you find yourself in a coffin?”
“My ex-boyfriend, Brad, must have drugged me. I called him first and he admitted that he put me here.”
“Did you record that conversation?”
“You know what? I didn’t. I didn’t think I would be hearing someone confess to trying to kill me.”
“I’ve just had another look at your name. Is this a prank call, Ma’am?”
“Do I sound like I’m having fun? Oh, right: Jo Kerr, got you. No, not a prank call. That is my name: Josephine Kerr. I have GPS on my phone. Please, I beg you, track this signal, or whatever it is you do. Get me out of here!”
“I have to inform you of the trouble you will be in if you waste...”
“Get somebody out here to find me right now, or I swear I will be your ghost of Christmas passed and haunt you for the rest of your mother...”
“Alright. I’ll see if I have a car I can dispatch, but at this time of the year I....”
“About damn time. All I need now is my battery to go fl…”
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